back to work.

As of Monday, I'm "back at work". I use this term loosely because I still won't be full time. My employer is awesome, and I'm able to flex my maternity leave. We get 12 weeks of time off (unpaid, but hey, I'll still take it) and we can use it pretty much however we'd like to. So since Jax was born I've worked a few hours here and there and I've been routinely checking email. For the last few weeks I've been in the office part time. All of the time spent doing those things then gets tacked back onto my leave, and I can stretch that time out. So I'll be working 30 hours a week or so through at least December. Then I'll inch back up to 34 hours a week January-March, and I'll be back to full time after that. I am so thankful for this option - I know I'm lucky.

I'm sure the transition to motherhood is different for every mama. Some probably can't imagine ever returning to the work force. Some need to get back to their routine in order to keep their sanity. Some forego their current career and choose to do something completely different. And really I'm not sure you can know how you'll feel until you have a little one in your arms.

I had always planned to return to work, and I will, but it's awfully bittersweet.

It kills me to leave Jax. I mean - I am his mama. I live in fear of missing something - his first belly laugh, his first word, the first time he rolls over. What if I'm not there? I can guarantee that if this happens, there will be tears. A lot of tears. I love snuggling him and seeing him grow and change and learn new things. I love that sometimes when he gets fussy he just wants me.

I'll be honest though, and admit that a small part of me has missed working. I (usually) enjoy my job. I feel that I make a difference because I what I do. I love my coworkers. I like that I can wear real pants, and eat food slowly, with both hands! I like that I can pee without a baby screaming at me because he didn't want to be set down. I like that I have time to clear my head, make a to-do list, and reply to emails.

But I also love that my daycare (aka my mother in law) lives close enough that I can visit and nurse my boy over lunch. And my gosh I love picking up my baby and snuggling him when I get done for the day. I miss him so much while I'm gone, and I'm sure I spend way too much time talking about him (thank goodness many of my coworkers are also new-ish moms who understand).

So while I'm glad to be returning to a routine, I'm also terribly sad that this part of my life is over.

Also - returning to work also means that my baby is going to be three months old. How did that happen?